That dreadful feeling

2:26 AM

I hate it. I hate being attacked by my own thoughts and feelings at my most vulnerable state. When you're just laying in bed, thinking of stuff and that dreadful feeling crawls up your stomach. It leaves you feeling guilty, powerless, regretful and miserable. It makes your head focus on bad things, it slows down your breath and leaves you feeling not-so-great.

I absolutely hate it. It can happen at any time, any day, anywhere. I despise it, I can be focusing on a subject in school where I suddenly get some stupid thought in to my head, and it recalls this feeling. It stiffens my body and I can't think properly. It makes me feel like an alien sometimes. I don't think there's a specific word for it, some people may call it panic attacks, some may call it anxiety. But the thing is that we all feel different.

I can't control these feelings, I meditate whenever I feel like it's gonna push me over the edge, I take it easy and I try to take care of myself but it isn't easy when you're constantly blamed for it. I understand that I don't have the flu and can barely move, but for me; it is something much worse.

Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there; sitting and affecting my daily life. I feel how everyones eyes are focused on my back, piercing me with their judging thoughts. I feel how my mother feels disappointment, I feel how my teacher is tired of me because I never get anything done in time. I'm sorry, I really am. If I could be the person you truly wanted me to; I would. But you can't read my mind, you can't possibly imagine how these thoughts affect me. It's horrifying, not to the point where I don't want to live anymore, but to the point where it affects me.

How nice it would be to just lay down for a while and not feel worried about anything, not feel like you've been a total fuck up or done something bad. But I'm not gonna let these feelings bring me down, I will keep going strong. I will push myself; be it with support or without. I will bring myself to that goal I've been striving and just do it. I want to prove myself and my feelings wrong, I know that I'm valueable and that I can do it.

Thank you. xoxo

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