My relationship with my body

9:34 PM

I really wanted this to be a positive and a striking post for you guys... but to be honest I'm not feeling fierce at all at the moment. I find that I always tell you about my happy and excellent times so I figured it would be okay with a not-feeling-so-great kind of post. So if you feel like this is not your type of content, feel free to read my other posts. I'm happy you checked me out in any case.

Stay fierce

I don't feel so good at the moment and I think it's ok to admit that once in a while. I don't feel like forcing any positivity onto my conscience or yours for that matter. Ah, this photo. I took it a few hours ago, I was feeling positive and I wanted to take a photo for you guys, some eye candy ya' know? one thing led to another, I found myself feeling so proud that I quit smoking. Now before you jump at me, I stopped smoking cigarettes. And that I am very proud of, I don't know what was going through my head at that time but I can barely-- excuse me, I can't stand the smell at all. Just being beside a person who smokes makes me sick to the guts, I don't dislike the person themself... it's just the smoking.

I wanted to check my older photos to find some really funny rebellious photos of myself with a cigarette in my hand and I did but... I stumbled upon some other photos as well. Photos of me being thin, much happier and more beautiful than I am right now.

It just strook me. I've gained so much weight, I know I'm not obese or disgusting looking... it's just me. I had a very self destructive period in my life where I exhausted my body and my mentality to the maximum. I had an eating disorder where I starved myself, I wasn't feeling that well and the only thing I could think of was my food and routine. That's the only things going through my mind at that time, I know I wasn't feeling well at the time. Neither was my body, I didn't even have my period for 8 months I almost forgot what it feels like. I know it's wrong but I just cant stop thinking of that figure, I was so beautiful... maybe it's not me talking right now, maybe it's my eating disorder but... I don't know. I just feel like I'm unsatisfied with my current body, I feel like just crying and ripping myself apart. I'm lazy, I don't look after what I eat and I love sweets.

I keep telling myself if I wanted a dream body I would just get up and work for it, but I always ruin it someway for me. I've never had a healthy relationship with my body but I'm hoping that I will. Everytime I've tried the healthy lifestyle, working out, looking after what I put into my body it's always gone downhill. I've gotten terrible thoughts, anxiety, stress, constant self hate, starvation and etc. I don't know how to do it the proper way and I dislike myself for that.

I want to be happy in my body but I don't know how to. I want to stop comparing myself to others, I want to find myself beautiful and worthy of my own love. I want to stop hating on my skin and the body I am in, be it chubby, muscular, skinny or fat. I just want to feel at ease with my body for once, I wonder how that would feel? AHHHH, I don't want to depress you guys anymore. Thank you for reading this through, I love you lots. I wish you the best, and only the best. 😆💕

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2 comments

  1. I want you to know that you are already very beautiful and amazing just the way you are. It's brave of you that you can talk about things like this!

    I do not know if this helps you because I say things like this now. But I'm happy for you that you have been able to come this far no matter what you have gone through. Keep doing what you love & lots of hugs to u ❤

    ❤ I support you no matter what! ❤

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh darling, thank you. Thank you so much for this comment.

      And you can be 100% sure that it helps me, because of your kind words I find the strength to go on. You put a smile on my face, thank you for that! I hope you have a great day as well as evening. Many hugs to you! <3

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